Continuing on last week’s theme regarding the impact of your choices, here’s another no that could’ve put my career on a different path.

During my college years in the late 80’s, early 90’s, there was a group of independent filmmakers in New York who formed “a vibrant film community encouraging people and ideas to ‘crash’ together” and called it Film Crash.  My friend heard about it at the post production and rental facility where he was interning and we went to one of their screenings.  For two college filmmakers, this was our Shangri-La with Super 8 and 16mm projectors set up in a huge space showing around twenty off-beat, original short films with beer and a dance party afterwards!  A great time and inspirational seeing all these films being made and shared.  We attended a few more times and then it suddenly stopped.

A year or so had passed and I decided to write to one of the founders, Matt Harrison, to express how much I enjoyed Film Crash  find out what happened.  By “write” I mean write and mail an actual letter, since this was 1992 and before email and widespread internet usage.  I received a postcard saying he remembered me and invited me to a screening of his first feature film “Spare Me.”   We continued to keep in touch and I was invited to other Film Crash events.

In 1993, Matt made an announcement at the end of a screening that he was assembling a crew for his next feature film, “Rhythm Thief” and invited anyone to sign up.  My whole body felt a surge of energy when I thought of the possibility of working with this independent filmmaking force I had admired for the last four years.  The surge was also a rush of fear, but I was ready to say yes to this moment and walked over to the table and signed on.  I heard a voice ask, “So what are you signing up for?”  “Crew, and you?”  “Acting.”  I smiled, wished her luck and said, “Maybe I’ll see you on the set.”  I felt my life was moving in a good, positive direction by saying yes to this opportunity.

A week later, I received a call from the production manager for the first production meeting.  I took down the time and location and as soon as I hung up the phone, my hand still holding the receiver, a voice, a clear low voice in my head said, “You can’t do this, you’re not doing this.”  Before my hand let go of the phone, fear had turned my yes into a no.

Two years later I read “Rhythm Thief” was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance and  Matt won a Special Jury recognition for Directing.  At that moment, my heart, my soul, just dropped.  I felt sick.  I could have…should have been a part of that.  Martin Scorsese called it “inventive, exciting, original” and executive produced Matt’s next film.  I could’ve been a part of that.  This no took a long time to get over.

Les Brown said in one of his talks that when he felt intimidated at the beginning of his career, he needed to have a conversation with himself and talk himself back in to what he was just talked out of.  I gave my inner critic too much power and didn’t even counter all the good a yes would’ve yielded.  I let the old stories of “Who do you think you are?” and “Nobody wants someone with a knowledge of everything,” wear my confidence down almost instantly.  It’s really hard to be stronger and louder than that inner critic, but it can be done and in time, after a lot of inner conversations, your true voice will be the only one present.

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